yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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