Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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