i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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