My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
