chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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