Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
A+ Viking dick
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
