Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
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