I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
