Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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