i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
