Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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