Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
