you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas