she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
