My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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