I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
