I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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