apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
