This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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