I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
