how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
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Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
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Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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