Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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