is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
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After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
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I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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