If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.