Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY