It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
