shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
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