I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
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Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
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I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.