NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
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he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
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I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.