He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize