Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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