Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I've blown a few things in my day
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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