dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
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There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
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But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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