I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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