I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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