made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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