I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
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If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
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Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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