Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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