if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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