this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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