the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
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I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
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Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.