The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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