That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
