well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
