Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
