we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
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At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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