I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
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Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
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That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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