He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
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my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
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Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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