when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
