Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
