Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
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I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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