I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
